The Cruise…

The thing about Cruises is that it takes about a day for your body to get accustomed to the rigors of life at sea. The food for example… There are a few different methods for this. 1. The American: Order 1 of everything on the menu at dinner.
2. The Economist: Try to make the Cruise Ship lose money on you. Maximize the expensive items and avoid filler foods such as Rice and Pasta (see Midtown Lunch’s Buffet strategy) This method also involves purchasing no alcohol.
3. The Puritan: Manages to eat 3 square meals a day. Also wears square shoes.
4. The Regretful Eater: This is very similar to strategy 1 until your pants no longer fit. Then it becomes strategy 3.
5. The Catchup: The opposite of 4. After a few days of watching the Americans devour whole cows while you eat your salad you realize that you paid just as much as them to be on this boat and you better make it worth your while.
6. My Mother: Be allergic to everything. My mother is in the rare group of people who need to pack canned goods in order to go on a Cruise. She goes on a few cruises a year and I am surprised that a Waiter hasn’t murdered her out of frustration yet. Lets just say that food got sent back a lot at our table.
Surprisingly I used strategy 3 as I did not want to be a giant fat ass. I want to thank all of the Southeast Asians on the cruise for one thing… Breakfast Curry. The ships cater their menus to the passengers and it was almost bearable to be up at 7AM when I knew there was a plate of curry lentils and Purri bread waiting for me.
I like to pretend that I am the Mayor of a small town on Cruise ships and attempt to meet everyone on board. Normally on the Carribean cruises that means meeting most of New Jersey. Luckily on this boat the majority of the passengers were Aussies. On my last Australia adventure I realized that I spent most of the time talking to Crystal and Robin therefore I never really got to experience Aussie culture. My observation was that it seemed to revolve mostly around booze and cigarettes. It got to the point that I really felt bad for some of them because the ships currency was USD and after the conversion I don’t think some of them will be able to go away for a long while. I finally got my exposure to that down under brand of English. Of all the words that I learned I think my favorite is “feral”. It was typically used to describe the quality of the boys in a backwater Queensland town. I am crossing my fingers that that one makes it back to the US. The Mayor method in addition to an Apartment on Central Park has the benefit of yielding places to stay around the world. Considering the amount of planning that I have done for this trip they are welcome invitations.
I find that when I am on a cruise I barely sleep. I normally get about 6-8 hours when I am at home but on the ships it is usually about 4 hours. I feel that I am paying for every second on board so I may as well make the most of it. Auckland is going to a welcome nap break.
I have been on 3 cruises now and one thing has been consistent. The Cruise Director is always a popped collar doucebag. You know the guy who worked in the Applebees type restaurant in “Office Space?” The one with all the pieces of flair? That is every cruise director that I have met, James on this boat was no different. Every time I heard his voice I just wanted to smash his face with a rake.
The shore excursions were all interesting but the days at seas were the best. Shore days feel almost like work since you have to get up so early and do so much. There are few days like Cruise sea days where every little thing that you could need is provided for and even if you wanted to be productive you cannot because you are stuck on a boat in the middle of the Tasman sea. It is just such a wonderful mix of opulence and sloth. As the customs agent put it when he inspected my tent and boots: “We don’t get a lot of backpackers on the Cruises.” I will chalk this boat ride down to probably the nicest ferry ride that I will ever take. If only it went to Staten Island…